Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in Drew Lindo's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, September 5th, 2006
12:42 am	The eternal battle between friend & lover... Dear Drew, I like one of my good friends. He's single, too! I want to tell him I like him, but I'm so afraid of rejection. I really think he could be THE ONE, you know? I don't know what to do. -Uncertain Dear Uncertain, Having answered similar questions in the past, I’m going to cut through my prior philosophical ramblings and cut to the chase. Escaping the Friend Zone isn’t easy. By exposing your feelings to your friend, you do in fact risk infecting your friendship with a level of self-awareness the two of you might not be able to endure. Knowing that you feel the way you do may cause him to lose a sense of comfort and security while he’s around you, worrying if his normal behavior may in some way bother you or hurt your feelings. Can he trust you to be happy for him when he speaks of a new romantic development? These are the risks we take when we try to cross the line. I’m not that familiar with your situation, but my hope is that the foundation of your friendship is strong enough to be able to move beyond this if your feelings are not returned. If you truly believe he is the one, then maybe it’s time to confront the quandary instead of hiding it like it’s the coordinates to the rebel base. Trust is a tricky thing, and it wouldn’t be worth a damn if there were no risk. Good luck. If it doesn’t pan out, it’s not the end of the world. Write me back and let me know how it goes (I’m attempting to compile Friend Zone statistics.) -------------------------------------------------- On another note, I'd like to personally apologize for the lack in posts lately. I've gone through a major move, and it seems that my actual column over at Postlapsaria was neglected and abandoned long ago. Having spoken with Ms. Groves personally fairly recently, I have been assured that the column will return like a Phoenix scorned. I'm crossing my fingers for a sexy redesign. So, if you ever wrote Drew Lindo with a question that was never answered, send it again and I guarantee it will be answered, at the least, right here on the LJ forum. - Drew Current Mood: tired Current Music: Pandora Radio (wow) (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 5th, 2006
8:16 pm	Long distance fees... Dear Drew, I met a wonderful boy during my vacation over the summer. I met him in the USA because I was there for a couple weeks of my summer vacation. He does not live in the US and neither do I but we do not live in the same country either. That is the problem. I miss him terribly and want to be together with him but it seems nearly impossible. I do not know how interested he is. He seems quite interested but boys can be so hard to figure out sometimes. My most recent dilemma in all of this is if I should go back to the US this summer to see him, he will be going there again this summer so we could meet up there which would be fun. However, my relatives are quite spread out in the US and I am not sure I will be able to go to the state where he will be. I am afraid that if I do not go meet him this summer, he will find another girl to spend his summer with and forget about me. :'( Love, anonymous ;) Dear Anonymous, Ahhh, the long distance courtship. Nothing is more dramatic, painful, and frustrating as imagining the possibilities of the impossible. First piece of advice: Avoid under all circumstances the masterpieces known as Before Sunrise and Before Sunset. They will only give you silly ideas, with which you will use to suffocate your common sense. Second, an honest heart-to-heart with this gentleman might be the best way to go. He may just want to keep you as a "Girl of Summer" story for the rest of his life, instead of going through the stress and trouble of organizing a reunion. I would just be weary of long distance romances in general. They hardly ever work, and somehow manage to hurt worse when they sour than those in close proximity. Also, safety issues need to be considered when visiting someone you really don't know that well in another country. If I were your parents, I might advise installing a tracking collar. Current Music: Talk Talk - New Grass (1 Comment |Comment on this)
7:48 pm	In the mood for love...OOPS, not really. Dear Drew, I've been in a relationship for a year now and I am still a virgin. However not from lack of trying. Everytime my boyfriend and I have tried, it hurts everytime he tries to insert. Its pretty embarrassing and not something I would want to discuss to a doctor face to face so hopefully you can help me. > From AnnoyingBarrier Dear AnnoyingBarrier, Too embarrassed to talk to a trained medical professional? I understand. WELCOME TO THE INTERNET, A MUCH MUCH SAFER AND DISCREET WORLD!!! Kidding aside, this sounds like it may be one of three common problems: Dyspareunia, Vaginismus, or an issue of Lubrication. I would recommend trying a lubricant of some kind. If there's still a problem, speak to a medical professional. Remember, they're not third-grade boys who will point and laugh at your body, they HEAL people, and give out the knowledge to help people heal themselves. Good night, and good luck. I wish you special memories forever scored to kick-ass pop-rock tracks (see below.) Current Music: Asia - The Heat of the Moment (1 Comment |Comment on this)
7:21 pm	"I need you" in Klingon Dear Drew Pretty-en-Español, I've been with my boyfriend for a year and two months. We're definitely compatible, both in terms of interests shared(music, Mel Brooks and Star Trek, to name a few) and interaction. When we're together, we can talk and laugh until we part, and have few fights. However, I can't shake a feeling I've had for a few months that we're not right for each other. Brace yourself for yet another relationship rant. Here's why: 1. He gives me ultimatums. Yes, I mean, "If you don't do this, I'll break up with you. "His intention has always been to scare me into doing things that will benefit me, but as it's an ineffective motivator, it very tiresome. 2. He sets double standards for himself and I. We agreed to limiting our substance use (in social situations, he takes to the bottle, I to the herb), but he drinks whenever he pleases, while maintaining that if I smoke too many times a month -- you guessed it -- he'll break up with me. 3. I think we may see the world too differently. I'm all for differing opinions adding richness to relationships, but he may be too cynical for someone who has an almost elf-like belief in good. 4. He's admitted to sometimes saying what he thinks will end a sour conversation. This is a smaller part of a bigger problem: he's non-confrontational, when I like to talk about our problems as a means of solving them. 5. He says offensive things to be shocking. Sometimes, I don't know his jokes from statements of his beliefs. He's claimed to be racist and homophobic, which, if true, are beliefs I don't hold and have little tolerance for. 6. When I talk to him about tolerance, in regards to the above, he tells me that if he has to tolerate their beliefs, they, and I, should tolerate his. He has a habit of doing this, cornering me in my own arguments. He's logical, but non-sensical when he gets like this. 6. Though he claims to be more mature than myself, he shows signs of emotional immaturity, throwing tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants, and responding passive-aggressively. Drew, he's a wonderful person, with a good heart, a great mind, and a lot of love for me. I have a good time with him, but is a good time good enough? Signed, Confused in Canada P.S. If I were to end it, I would not go looking for Mr. Right, as I realize it's the wrong thing to do. Dear Confused in Canada, I shall provide my thoughts on each of your points. 1) The "Break Up With You Button" is encased behind glass. Constant shattering of glass and a hovering of the hand above the red buzzer, Jeopardy-style, is ten thousand times more likely to result in an accidental, all out nuclear strike. In other words, crying wolf more than three times a month is a bad thing. 2) Double standards are bad, if often invisible to the male eye. 3) If his world view bothers you to the point that he's making fun of you, I think that's cause for concern. If it is simply a case of him constantly deflating the energy in the room with rantings of Big Brother, conspiracy theories, Apocalypse-witnessing, and dying dolphins, he may need a sedative and a muzzle. 4) Guys usually would much rather let an issue pass by instead of listening to you bitch about it for a while, and wasting energy fighting about it until a "conclusion" is reached (which is hardly ever worth it, let's face it.) I understand his position. Females often want to analyze a conflict from every conceivable angle, JFK style. 5) There is nothing more atrocious and pathetic than so called "raunchy," "off-color", "shocking" characters who brag about speaking unpopular opinion in hopes of becoming more popular. People who have to remind you over and over that they "don't care" what other people think, REALLY REALLY REALLY DO CARE. If your boyfriend is one of these cases, I reccomend sending him and his comedy routine on tour through Harlem, the Middle East, and finally the Bible Belt. 6) I think I met this guy once. I did not like him. 6 Part II: The Revenge) It's official, this guy needs some alone time. In closing, let me reiterate that no one is perfect. However, you have listed so many of my pet peeves that I can't possibly wrap a toothy three dollar smile around my face and call him a keeper. This just sounds like an energy vaccum of a relationship. Maybe you should try dating someone who doesn't treat you like a child. Then again, I might have misread this. Maybe he just feels more comfortable speaking facetiously than being open and honest in his conversations. Is a good time enough? I don't know. If you get to a point where a "good time" doesn't excuse his behavior, or the way he makes you feel, then no, I don't think it's enough. Being alone is not a shameful way of life, and holding out for something truly worth it is only an act of faith to your self. But hey, I understand the perks. Let me just say that you won't have the hardest time finding a guy who is into Star Trek. Women who are into Star Trek are like gold bullion in the geek community (AMEN!) Current Music: an annoying cell phone ring (1 Comment |Comment on this)
7:05 pm	No call-backs... Dear Drew, I know you're probably sick of the relationship questions but anyways, here I go. From December of 04 until June of this year I had a serious boyfriend. We shared everything (every little secret), spent almost every second we could together, and we were so in love it felt incredible. He even lost his virginity to me (I, unfortunately, lost it to my previous boyfriend/asshole). I seriously thought I would be saying goodbye to him when I left for college this summer (he's a year younger than me) but In June, it suddenly ended. He said he couldn't deal with the fact that I had 'cheated' on him and he needed time to figure out what he wanted to do. (explaining the cheating thing would take pages. I did not cheat on him is the easiest way I can say it) He told me he still loved me so much and for a while, he'd talk on the phone with me. People were telling me about this girl that he supposedly made out with but I didn’t believe it because I was convinced we'd be back together in no time. Eventually, him and this girl were dating and I knew nothing about it until, all of a sudden, my phone calls weren't returned and he was ignoring me in public groupings. He said 'I love you' to the girl within a month and told me and everyone we knew that "he never loved me and that he TRULY loved this girl". Now they are broken up because she left him for another guy. He still talks to her all the time, and talks about how he loves her so much still and I meant nothing to him even when him and this girl NEVER touched each other besides kissing. I feel like, sex was one of the FEW things that bound us but Id think it'd be a huge deal to him since I was his first, but I guess not. He says he 'doesn't like me' and 'never did'. My friends tell me it's a cover up and that she was just a 'rebound' girl. I don't know what to think. I feel stupid, 7 months later, still having very strong feelings for him if he 'never loved me'. What do you think, as a guy, he is feeling about me? Also, do you have any advice on how I can move on from this heartbreak because now I'm terrified to have feelings for someone because I'm worried they will take them back. Thanks for listening, Canyoutakebacklove, Pa Dear Canyoutakebacklove, PA, The ex-boyfriend is a curious animal. Bitter, angry, jealous, yet still eerily possesive, he will contradict himself on an average of 296 times per day in his quest to find meaning in a post-relationship world. Somedays he will appreciate his freedom. Others, he will realize he has absolutely nothing to do with this so-called freedom except sit around and jerk off while watching "Wings" reruns on USA. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Crystal Bernard is a fox. As we move on from relationship to relationship, there is a strange, and useless need to compare and contrast the qualities of human beings we have had intimate contact and connections with, as if they were various models of Ipods. This too is useless, as it only proves one to be in desperate need of meaning and purpose, forcing three prong plugs into U.K. sockets, resulting in short circuits that fray memories and feelings. I'm not sure what your ex-boyfriend is thinking. Maybe he just needs to be angry with you to make himself feel better without you. Maybe it's all an act, and he'd cry for forgiveness if you cornered him. But guess what? Meaning is useless in this case, just like it is when trying to map out the rise in quality of people you've dated. It's just silly (unless there was one asshole on that list that you'd like to pretend would care if he found out he was in the bottom ten.) I can only say that I understand what it's like to be unable to turn off feelings that do you no good. Feelings are meddlesome mechanisms, but sometimes, you've just got to ride the pain out everyday as a litmus test of how much you can possibly feel. You love. You've been loved. This is proof that you're okay, that you're going to be okay, and that good things can end without the world ending in tandem. Remember, everyday you wake up, you're waking up all by yourself. I don't mean that in a negative, I mean that you don't need someone there to fall asleep and wake up with. You can rise and fall everyday on your own. MOMMY-WOW!!! Dun-da-dun-da-da-duN! You're a big girl now. Current Music: Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon... (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 2nd, 2006
2:58 pm	Can I come??? Dear Lindo, Ive been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years, but lately he's been " too busy" to hang out me as often as we always have, and when he goes out with his friends he neglects to invite me, even if i ask to go! (bastard! haha) Even when i saysomething, like it bothers me, or why dont we hang out as much, he calls me clingy. (which im not, at all!) wtf is his deal?!?!! - laura not so clingy at all Dear laura(not so clingy at all,) You have unfortunately come to that inevitable, yet dream-shattering point in the relationship in which your partner has most likely taken you for granted. That’s right. Your worst fears are confirmed. He probably doesn’t even love you as much as he used to. He’s had the “good thing” so long, he’s equated your union with the status quo, and the status quo is the basic package, you don’t even get any of the cool movie channels with it. Time to shake things up. Test the waters. See how he does with no TV for a week. If I’m wrong, and he loves you, then my advice will have sent the two of you into an emotionally exhausting exercise, the result of which will probably be the loss of some sort of trust. But regardless, if he’s treating you like a ball and chain, maybe you should see how well he can run without the weight. In most cases, the ball and chain is compensating for someone’s pigeon toe. (Comment on this)
2:57 pm	They strike without warning... Dear Drew Lindo, Why must boys be so stupid? (no offense). One minute they want to spend all of their time with you, the next they dont call you for a week without a reason! What gives??? -Clueless in Suburbia Dear Clueless in Suburbia, Men thrive on the forbidden. Why do you think so many of them cheat on their girlfriends with despicable trailer trash? BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO. It’s the challenge that drives them. They want attention, but as soon as you send them the Sam’s Club Econo-Size Family Pack of it, they turn around and try to return it. It’s a strange mental mechanism. If you are honest with a guy about liking him, in most cases he will lose interest about 15% faster than normal. That’s right, even those whiney little bitches who whine about girls not liking them for who they are would have the same response. Once you get close enough to what you want that you can see it’s true form, the first response is to instantly start looking all over again for a new illusionary challenge. Of course, in most of these cases, an extreme case of selfishness applies (which is inherent, so don’t bother trying to identify it in advance.) Just hold back on the rush to reveal your self to someone else. An emotional connection is a strip tease, not a porno. Sorry to say it, but the games we all play are there for a reason… (Comment on this)
2:57 pm	The invisible commitment ring of doom. Hi, Are you single? Thanks. Hi back, Nope. You’re welcome. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
2:56 pm	A boy's best friend is his mother's priest... dear mr. lindo - I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and he is such a mamas boy, I mean hes 21 years old! He bends over backwards for her, even lending her up to $2,000(which she hasnt payed back) that he was saving for a new car! He ditches me to hang out with his mom!! and on top of that, his mother obviously dislikes me, for no apparent reason. Example: the other night we were having a "movie date" in his room, and his mom just barges right in and starts talking to him, I mean c'mon..theres only so much I can handle. Am I being totally insensitive, or is this a tad bit odd? sincerely, frustrated in mothersland Dear frustrated in mothersland, This depends on whether or not she’s an attention-addict. If your boyfriend is simply helping her out because she is in desperate need, then you’ve got to respect that, and simply ask that he try and respect you as well. The question is, is his mother jealous of the attention he shows you, and is therefore constantly struggling to usurp you as the most important woman in his life? If this is the case, illuminate the truth to him. He doesn’t have to choose who he loves more, he simply has to choose to stand up for you when the relationship is being treated with disrespect. You’re partners, you’re supposed to protect each other from anyone. ANYONE. Furthermore, if he refuses to hear it, and goes on a five minute diatribe about how no whore will ever come between he and his mother, simply stand up, clench your fists, and scream, “Oh why don’t you just gouge out your eyes and fuck your mother, motherfucker!” Then slam the door as you storm out. (Comment on this)
2:56 pm	Not so much a temple, more like a loft... Dear Dr.Drew Lindo, So I've been single for the past...two? years, don't get me wrong, in the meantime I've had my share of makeouts, but not even close to hooch status.  However fun that is, it doesn't keep you warm at night, or whisper sweet nothings sober.  I feel like whoever I'm throwing the line to is not reciprocating.  I'm not sure if it is some sort of flaw on my part, but to refrain from being self-depricating, I just wont think that. But I feel stuck in a rut.  As if every male I want to date just isn't digging it.  SO, Do I just try to find someone that will make out with me.  Or do I just continue waiting impatiently? Dear Becky, I believe I answered a similar email in the past few weeks. You have two options: have meaningless, empty “fun” in the physical sense without an iota of emotional connection, or turn your body into a buried treasure that only the chosen one with the treasure map inscribed on their brain can unearth. Now, I don’t know what you look like. You might fit someone’s physical requirement for a meaningless hookup, and if you take it upon yourself to be that esteem-elevator at an alcohol infused party, well, god bless you ma'am, and god bless the gentlemen whose ego you shall be enlarging. The question is, can your heart handle your body acting as a cipher? Does it hurt you when you use yourself to ease the air of loneliness? If it does, you should probably stop, before you end up in one of those movie scenes where the girl is curled up in a ball in the shower, washing the sweaty stench of steamy, slutty sex off of her skin, crying her eyes out and clasping the tile like it’s about to grant salvation. I for one can attest that it is mildew, not salvation, you shall find in the cold grip of the shower’s surface. It’s your life. Don’t be too stupid and give too much away. Set boundaries for yourself, and if you can allow a little physical give-and-take to ease your isolation blues, then do it. If you want to empower yourself, and be that awesome girl that all your friends say “She’s so great, I hope she finds somebody. She deserves it,” then great. Good luck and good riddance. Oh, and for your information, there’s probably some sad sap that’s all about you too. You just don’t like him like that. Send him a shower mat for his tears. (Comment on this)
2:55 pm	It's only time... Dear Drew,    I usually get around 5-6 hours of sleep each night, sometimes less, rarely more, and it's always cold in school.  Now, when I'm cold, I'm tired (while most people get tired when it's warm).    I am usually staying up late doing homework and such, and then on nights when I have a light load, I just can't get to sleep earlier than midnight.    I can't nap while I'm driving, nor while I'm eating.  I have to wake up by 715, and at school by 830 at the latest.  I can't sleep in class for several reasons: the teachers watch students like hawks and give 'em hell if they even have their heads in their hands, I'll probably drool in my sleep, and occasionally I yell in my sleep.  I don't TALK in my sleep, I YELL.  And it can be anything from random numbers to a small disagreement with some unknown person about a seating arrangement to , "I'M NOT PREGNANT!  I'M NOT PREGNANT!!"  I'm sure there's more that I can't remember, and I'd rather my classmates and teachers not find out anytime soon.  When I get home around 530 (9 some Mondays), I have to eat dinner and then do my homework until at least 10 (but it's usually later than that, and my parents make sure I don't fall asleep doing my hw).    How do you suggest I go about getting naps?  When I can I fit sleep or a similar for of rest in my day? -Tuckered Out in Texas</i> Dear Tuckered out in Texas, It sounds as if your stress-filled regiment is packed tight with activity. Fear not, there is a way to the promise land of nonsensical dreams. To add sleep to your cluttered equation, simply eliminate fun from your diet. That’s right: fun. Whatever time you spend making yourself happy, whether it be reading, watching TV, masturbating, or having a social life, you must replace with sleep. Don’t tell me you don’t have any time, that’s a goddamn lie and you know it. Can you honestly tell me you haven’t had any fun in the past month? Yes you have. …………………… Don’t talk back, I know you have. …………………….. YOU’VE HAD FUN, OKAY!?! So, take it from me, once you start NOT having fun, and instead find yourself sleeping through the best parts of your life, you will become very well rested, and perhaps in a condition wherein you are clear headed enough to find a new activity to relinquish from your daily schedule. Until the perfect balance comes, fuck fun, make nap-time your special time. Get out that old pre-school, nap-time towel, and make it a little getaway for you and your rambling subconscious. There, you’ll have all the time in the world to confront your baby’s daddy. P.S. Read books on lucid dreaming. With a little practice, fun-time and nap-time will be one and the same. Plus, you can teach yourself to fly, which is wicked-mega-fantasmic-awesome. (Comment on this)
2:55 pm	the Gigolo Joe Show Hello,   so..., what's a girl to do, when she can't afford an actual vibrator. What other tools would you suggest she use, besides her hands? or maybe what to do to get a vibrator. XD help please!!   ~clueless chick Dear Clueless Chick, A fancy tub appendage would be in order, or perhaps simply an internet begging campaign (www.buymyvibrator.com) That, or date someone at the local “romance boutique” for access to their employee discounts. I’m sure you’ll find someone who would love nothing more than to give you a few demonstrations, er, lessons, er, classes…….. Fuck this sentence. (Comment on this)
2:54 pm	They make the pandemic look like...uh...less...demic? Dearest Drew, I am sorry to bother you with yet another love related question, or shall i say no love question, but i have no one else to ask. I hope you can help me with this one.   This is the story: over three months ago i was at a party at a friend of a friend, since that day he  just wouldn't stop talking about me, says our mutual friends. I'd met him several times before at different occations and I'd just never even thought about hooking up with him. A few weeks ago though, i met him again at a bar, and he was so cute and determined to have me that i took him home for "tea". Afterwards he took my number and he called me about 5 times in 1? week, which i felt was a little too intense since i wasn't sure i was as into him as he seemed to be into me. He asked me out on a date. While on the date i was really nervous since he had talked so much about it with our mutual friends. I probably acted a bit retarded because of the nervousness, but i didn't think it was the worst date ever. I texed him the next day but he didn't answer, i texed him again two days later and i got a vague message back 12 hours later. At that point i wanted to give him the benefit of a doubt and not just assume he'd dumped me, so i asked him if he wanted to get together later that week. The respond i got was "sorry, but i have other plans. maybe another day." and since then i have not heard a word from him. I was actually starting to like him and now i feel pretty bad for being dumped all of a sudden, esp. since he was the one that was the interested one in the first place, not me. I guess i feel like a fool, he dumped me just when i was starting to think he wasn't so bad after all, when i even thought he might even be a good boyfriend.   So my questions are: am i dumped? if so, why? and why would he spend over three months talking about how hot i am and working so hard to both getting me into bed and getting that date, if he wasn't even interested enough to see again? Do you have any ideas of what might have happened? Did i do anything wrong or is he just one of those men that my lesbian man hating friends warned me about? And do i get over this, or is there a chance i could win him back? and if so, how do i do that?   I hope you have time to answer all my questions. Thank you in advance! /Clueless Dear Clueless, There is a social plague that is emotionally crippling American women everyday. It strikes without warning, without remorse and without logic. I’m speaking of course about A.L.R.’s. Affection Level Reversals can occur at any moment. Case studies have shown that most victims tend to have forced themselves (to some degree) to keep an interest in a person (usually of the opposite sex) upon whom an immediate chemistry was not evident. Symptoms of A.L.R.’s include doubt, anxiety, confusion, depression, codependency, jealousy, rejection, embarrassment, and a dramatic drop in self-esteem. Though the chemical compound that triggers A.L.R.’s has not yet been determined, some point to psychology as a motivating factor. With the hunter’s mindset, males are often attracted to the challenge of captivating their prey’s interest. As soon as this is attained, several will move on to their next challenge, their next hunt, leaving behind a rejected suitor whose affection levels had just begun to rise. Is their hope for the victims of A.L.R.? Though there is no known cure for this disorder, treatment is available. 8 out of 10 women who have suffered from A.L.R. often admitted that the men in question were not in the least bit interesting, or even had much potential for that matter. They were simply too lacking in qualities and attractive attributes to actually be the rejector, and not the rejected. Furthermore, most victims admitted, under heavy interrogation, that it was their own fear of being alone that contributed to their continuing efforts to find something appealing about those they were dating prior to the A.L.R. epidemic. It is highly recommended that anyone finding themselves in the position of “charity dating,” or feeling the need to keep “searching” for something attractive in their prospective partner, should abandon ship immediately, and hold out for a healthy affection level match. (Comment on this)
2:53 pm	Co-Op Dear Drew Lindo,   How do I get my husband off the computer???  He's always on, playing Civilization III, or Battlefield 1942.  It drives me to the point of insanity.  Even sex doesn't coax him off the blasted thing.  He'll expect me to wait till he's done with "this map" or whatever the hell he calls it and then he'll want to get frisky.  By then, I'm tired and in my pj's and I'm not in the mood.  Do you know of any recreational activities (besides sex, obviously that's not working) that we can do together that will fullfill his need to shoot at things and my need for quality togetherness?  Thanks a million Mr. Lindo.    xo Ms. I'mabouttothrowthedamncomputeroutthewindow   p.s. Are you any relation to Delroy Lindo??? Dear Lauren,(a.k.a. Ms. I'mabouttothrowthedamncomputeroutthewindow) Nothing unites a couple like the timeless, romantic art of PAINTBALL. That’s right, paintball. The two of you will be on a team. Invite those pesky neighbors of yours, with their constant, shit-eating grins always plastered across their faces, a daily reminder of the sanctity of their marriage. You two need to be a team again. You need to feel the terror of combat, the thrill of victory, the power of partnership. Believe me when I say, there’s nothing sexier to your husband than the two of you making battle-formation-hand-motions in silence while taking cover from those ass-bastards, The McCaffrelsons. Satisfy his need for pseudo-violent-escapist fantasy, and yours for devotion and respect. Blow those bastards away with some high-powered, but non-lethal, ammunition that’s destined to make their three hour sitting at the pew a real bitch next Sunday morning. It’s what Jesus would do. Feel the rush, take a shower, and jump all over each other for your celebratory victory dance in your compound….sorry, bedroom, and lay together like warriors, strengthened by the drawn blood of your enemies. Trust me, I’ve got Dr. Phil approval on this. P.S. Relation? Perhaps my ancestors had a connection, shall we say, but I can say for goddamn sure that’s no family history I’m interested in tracing, if you know what I mean… P.P.S. I love black people. Especially Delroy Lindo. (Comment on this)
2:52 pm	LIES does matter... Dear Drew, What is the proper course of action to take against an exgirlfriend who has been spreading LIES about the size of your penis? -Chris Itsreallyadecentsizeiswear Chris (itsreallyadecentsizeiswear,) I’m sorry to hear that your former lady friend has resorted to the oldest, most childish form of slander known to mankind, since the decay of your romantic connection. I wish I could teach you the spell to right this terrible wrong, but alas, magic is false and so is Jesus (retraction and apology forthcoming.) Why do people do this? Aren’t we all completely insecure in one way or another about or own bodies? Can’t we all remember and appreciate (or in some cases imagine) that moment when someone saw us exposed and displayed, in all of our flawed glory, and told us it was BEAUTIFUL? This is part of intimacy. When you take someone for the whole pie, not just the slice covered in cool whip and cherries. We accept each other body and soul, to the point where two neurotic, insecure, anxious, and plain old silly-minded individuals can lie naked together reading the Sunday funnies. So I ask you, men and women of earth, how do we get from that, to this? Insulting the anatomy of someone you once accepted? The anatomy you once enjoyed in the most basic sense of physical pleasure is now beneath you, deserving of ridicule? Does it really work, people? Does it really give you the canned laughter of a girl-talk sitcom? Or a guys’-night-out stereotype? People need to stop examining anatomy under a microscope in hopes of finding Death Star construction plans for future strikes. We’re all human. Let’s be adults, accept the pain of a lost love (or obsession) and keep on with the respect thing. I’d like to apologize on behalf of all douche bags that speak this silly language of false physical superiority, to Chris, and the many young men and women who have suffered the wrath of Abigail Williams everywhere. I can speak from experience that whenever I hear someone speaking such filth (whether it’s true or false is irrelevant), I file them under the I.A.W. label: Immature Attention Whores (you can tell I have an acronym jones, can’t you?) Besides, I’m sure you’ve got a few glory stories of her expert handling of said bits & berries… (Comment on this)
2:52 pm	Everyone needs a fan... Dear Drew, I think you are AMAZING and I check this site weekly because your advice makes me smile =). Anyway, onto my question. I have this problem where I only seem to attract the most horrific arrogant vain more-groomed-than-I-am fashion label sleeze monsters. The only reason these guys even approach me in the first place is because ofthe fact that I am tall, thin and blonde. When I start talking about important issues or even anything that you need a brain larger than that of a third grader's to comprehend they just give the half opened mouth look with the lost eyes as if I just told them that I have both a penis and a vagina combined. I like the really smart and artsy guys but I can never seem to end up with one of them. Any advice of how I can make this happen? Dear Jessica, Writing this letter is enough to convince those smart, artsy guys that ladies such as your self do in fact exist. Be ready for anything, because five hundred bajiillion, zillion dollars says they’re currently asking, “Why can’t I find a traditionally attractive (tall/thin/blond) girl who doesn’t perpetuate a stereotype, but instead challenges, enchants, and endears me?” When you do meet, you can both thank my column for it’s deep, meaningful, comprehensive examination of the lonely, but temporary, damnation of interesting and unique people to the abyss known as singledom. Oh, and I would prefer if you date a not particularly attractive “nice guy.” Seeing attractive women date guys with “nice personalities” gives me faith in the human race, and in the divine power of romantic karma. That’s right, I’m standing up for the ugly man. The man who wrote those beautiful poems of devotion to the angels of their heart’s desire, only to fail to close the deal due to their lack of physically appealing features. In fact, let me restate something: Seeing attractive women date smart, witty, funny guys with KILLER personalities, personalities so unfucking-believeably awesome, that their looks are mere afterthoughts in the wake of their earth shattering, reality-smashing charisma, gives me faith in the human race. Make us believe in the power of persona. P.S. Lets all take this bright young lady’s example. Say it with me now: POSITIVE FEEDBACK Very good! This makes Drew feel happy! Now clap your hands, say “yeah!” (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 1st, 2006
9:23 pm	TO THE MOON, ALICE!!!! Dear Drew, I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. We're together 95% of the time, and sometimes I can't help but get annoyed by his presense. He's there at school, he's here at my house every weekday after school and doesnt end up leaving until 9-10pm PLUS weekends. My grades suffer because I can never get anything done since he's here and by the time he does leave, I have to shower and it just gets too late to do anything. Anyway, of course my parents don't approve of this being an everyday issue, but if i try to confront him about it, he just says "okay" and doesn't end up doing anything about it. Since we're together so much, things just bore me so much and my temper just goes out of control by every mistake he makes. I realize we're not perfect, but common sense is something we all have. It seems as though he can't get enough of me, and believe me, it's most definately not flattering. And by that said, I can't have any alone time with my girl friends because he's there and girls aren't girls when guys are around. Sometimes, I just want to throw it off. I don't have time for myself anymore. I don't have time for my friends anymore. Everything is just limited. Now my question is, how do i get about telling him he has to leave earlier and that i just want to hang out with my girlfriends by myself (without him) without insulting/hurting his feelings? I just want to be me again. -Confused and Aggrivated. Dear Confused and Aggravated, Honesty and trust are the cornerstones of a strong relationship. They are the foundation upon which you build your commitment. If you can’t be honest with your boyfriend, there is a problem. If you cannot sit down and have an open conversation about your needs, without experiencing a massive meltdown, maybe you should rethink your status. The only way couples can solve problems is by confronting them head on, and if the two of you aren’t strong enough to do that with one another, this does not sound to me like a healthy relationship. If you have needs as simple as private time, or girl time, he’s going to need to respect that. If this is impossible, so is your union. In short, be open and confront the truth. I’m not saying it isn’t always messy, but if you overcome a situation, the two of you become fortified. If you don’t, well, that is the process of natural selection. Survival of the fittest, my dear. Don’t settle. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
9:22 pm	Dear Drew, I have the perfect boyfriend. We have been together for 5 wonderful years and we have seen each other through some very rough times. There has always been love, honesty and respect between us. Exactly one year ago I walked into a room and got struck by lightning when I saw another man. He is not extremely handsome, he is not extremely interesting. I have gotten to know him a bit and we have e-mailed casually since then, but our relationship is mostly professional. The point is I really really like this guy. I don't know him very well and I can't explain why, but I do. I have not said or done anything because I love and cherish my boyfriend too much. However lately I have been thinking about it alot. I have been having fantasies about if he likes me and what would happen. These fantasies are probably completely off base since he is quiet and shy and I am expecting this huge detailed confession like the one I am giving you. I am just out of college, my boyfriend and I decided to not get married because we both want to be free to make whatever career choices are neccessary and I am very busy lately. I feel a bit lost about this. I can't talk to anyone because all of my friends are biased and don't know the other guy at all. I hate infidelity more than anything in the world and I am just sick about this. Should I ask him how he feels? Should I tell my boyfriend about my feelings? I just need a fresh opinion, I would appreciate it. Thanks! -Should I Act Dear Should I Act, Investigation is not illegal. Tampering with evidence is illegal. Get my drift? As for telling your boyfriend, I don’t know how open the two of you are. If you feel it is an issue you both could explore honestly, then perhaps it is worth discussing. Who knows? He might have had his eye swayed by the image of another, too. How would you feel about that? Always be careful. Those we are physically attracted to in a forbidden state often do not have the personality chops to sweep us off of our feet, only the physical to get our hormones running. But who knows? Maybe a shy guy like this only needs a nudge. We’re all tempted, but it’s how we navigate those situations and decisions that really define our character. We all flirt, sometimes inappropriately. The question is whether an action or choice violates a promise we have made to a partner. That’s how I see infidelity: it is a violation. You violate a bond that once was strong and beautiful, like a developer destroying a rain forest to make way for a strip mall. So, in closing, find out who the hell this guy really is before you go running for his green pastures, or you might find a barren wasteland, rife with tumbleweeds. I’m not trying to scare you into staying, I just don’t want you to idealize someone that doesn’t have any tangible chemistry to offer. Plus, he could be a puppy killer. (Comment on this)
9:19 pm	Dear Drew, I have this problem. For roughly four years I have had feelings for one of my best friends. The problem is, he is in a very serious relationship now, and made it very clear years ago that he and I were never going to be more than friends. Still, I can't seem to shake this attraction towards him. His girlfriend is a wonderful person and it truly makes me happy to see him happy, but I can't deny that it kills me to see them together. Even the mere idea fills me with horrible feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. I've had the idea to go out with other guys just to show myself that there are other possibilities within the dating world besides him, but I can't find any other guys that I'd actually want to start a relationship with. Therefore, I have turned to you. What would you recommend as the best remedy for coveting your best friend? Sincerely, Jackie WhatthehelldoIdonow? Dear Jackie WhatthehelldodIdonow, There are few experiences more painful, arduous, yet time-honored and essential as unrequited love. It seems to me that no two people of the opposite sex have ever been friends without ever once questioning the possibility of upgrading their intimacy levels to a romance. With a strong bond of friendship, it’s easy for platonic feelings of love to evolve into romantic feelings of love. The problem is, most friendships begin in the first place because of a lack of, say it with me now, PHYSICAL ATTRACTION. Physical chemistry results in physical attraction, bypassing the friend zone altogether and heading straight for romance, passion, or sometimes, just downright shallow lust. So, either the two of you started off with unmatched attraction, or an extenuating circumstance (I’m sure someone had a significant other from day one) that prevented the idea of ever coming up. Listen, the friend zone is a terrible place to be. I’m just glad to hear from a woman about it. Too many times, it’s the nice, sensitive guy whose shoulder is soaked in snot, as the girl of his dreams cries into him “Why can’t I just meet a nice guy (like you?”) The translation of which being, “If you were attractive, I’d date you instead of whatever asshole I’m with.” Countless souls have endured living behind glass as the object of their affection wanders aimlessly through life, from relationship to relationship, never pausing long enough for a momentary chance for that poor, dejected lover to speak their heart while the coast is clear. People become bitter from experiences like this, damning the heavens for placing people so beautiful and wonderful just out of their reach. It’s a goddamn shame, but it’s the way it works, because, at a certain point, you’ve got to make a decision. For instance, let’s say you sat down with your friend, and revealed your feelings (as awkward and painful as it might be.) Most likely, you will be met with a mixed bag of desperate patronization, as the object of your undying affection tries to let you down easily on a field of pillows. You’ll hold back some tears, nod, and laugh it off like it’s all okay, and you’re just being silly, and that you’re really happy for this person. Then things will be awkward for a little while, as the two of you try and pretend like you never said the things you did, that you didn’t mean any of it. But here’s the kicker: once you know they don’t feel the same way, how do you use that to kill the feelings inside of you? How do you move on? Can you, if you know for a fact they don’t feel the same way? In my experiences, you can’t. We will all have at least one great “almost” love. The person you could never quite reach, and the failure to attain that bond with said person drives your infatuation even further. For some, the only cure is to abandon their friend, gaining as much physical distance as possible so they don’t’ have to wince at the sight of them. This is unfair to the object of your affection. They won’t like it, they won’t understand it, they might even call you selfish. You are not selfish, you just need to get away from the contaminated area. However, there is one more way in which you can try to put the past behind you, while it’s standing three feet away with someone other than you. If you like who you are, or, dare I say (at the risk of idiots calling me self-indulgent) LOVE who you are, you have to level with yourself. Someone as special as you does not deserve to fret over someone who does not understand, nor appreciate, the value, mystery, and depth of character to which you possess. Why are you wasting your time hoping someone COMES AROUND to noticing just how goddamn incredible you are? THEY MISSED OUT. Move along. One day, someone won’t give you the goddamn runaround, and though it might be a little far from here, it doesn’t change the fact that this unfounded bond is not worth your time, desire, and heartache. If you truly love yourself, and appreciate your own self-worth, then the friend zone, the “almost” love, all of it simply serves to teach you a lesson about what NOT to settle for, about what to appreciate about yourself, and the person who will fall to their knees in admiration of who you are, and what you possess. Whether you stay by your friend’s side, or escape him physically and mentally, remember who you are, and believe in what you have to offer. Beating yourself up over someone who doesn’t appreciate you is silly, especially compared to what you’ll find when REAL LOVE kicks down your door and asks for a dance. I’m not sure any of that even made sense, but goddamn it I tried. Cheers to the unloved! May they laugh maniacally the day they find what they’re looking for… (Comment on this)